The R2I conundrum

There are a lot of things I feel passionate about. I will argue, cry, and generally make a fool of myself defending somethings that are close to me. And returning to India is one such thing. Whenever I say I want to go back, people always give me a knowing smile and say everybody says that at some point of time, and that I will never actually do it. This pisses me off  more than anything else! Speak for yourself. Where you can be happy has more to do with who you are. I don’t particularly hate living here. And though I am a little of a jingoist, I really don’t have any nationalistic ideals. I just don’t see myself being content here. I don’t want to make the stereotype of  the house in the suburbs, the two car garage with a Honda minivan and I am not ambitious for a sterling career. I just want a simple life exploring my passions.

For me, the life here is too sterile. I want a place with more bhavam – at least where I can sense it more. I have an aunt, 3 uncles and 4 cousins living here with their families. So obviously being lonely or yearning for family is not the reason. But yet, nothing tugs my heartstrings more than the desire to go back home. Life is more than clean restrooms, organized traffic, air conditioning and comfortable living. I need the chaos, the crowd, the hustle bustle to get things done and the sense of belonging.  I can’t be very articulate about my reasons to return. But I know for sure I want to. So why did I come here in the first place ? For the education- The scientific research here is perhaps the best in the world. My  PhD will probably be put to excellent use if I choose to settle here. But I don’t have any problem working at a research centre in Chennai, where things I took for granted here will be hard to come by. And in my silly little idealist head, I think I can contribute and make a difference. I dream of paatu class, kutcheris, movies at Sathyam, drives by the beach, Sunday arattai sessions with appa, craft exhibitions, quizzes, plays, tennis tournaments and cricket matches, crisp cotton kurtas and sarees, terracotta home decor, dance programs, idli sambar breakfasts and a yellow room with a tambura and floor to ceiling bookshelves and cd-racks. Yes, I can have a lot of things here. But why stay here at all?

People complain. That is how human beings work. The grass is always greener elsewhere. If you are ever completely content with your life, you are obviously one step towards attaining spiritual detachment and nirvana. But I think you have to do everything in your capacity to keep yourself happy. I also know you won’t get to do what you want to. There will be chains holding you back- maybe a spouse, children, the fear of uprooting the life you have made for yourself. In today’s “world without boundaries”, you can feel at home wherever you want to. People who choose to live here are not really doing India any disfavor. It might have been true 30 years back. Not any more. NRI money has fuelled a lot of healthy change in our country. Choosing to return also doesn’t make you a patriot. It just boils down to where you feel you belong. I hope to return after a Post Doc. Please don’t be all smug and say it won’t happen and burst my bubble. I cant pin down the reasons behind my choice. But I think I have made it. What are the reasons behind yours?

P.S – This post was inspired by this one and the comments there. It is not really related to the post itself. But that was the trigger.